Friday, December 5, 2008



I've decided to bust out and buy a domain. I think this will also push me to write more!

All posts and comments have been moved:

Site is under construction, but all new posts will be made there.


Monday, November 24, 2008


I've done a lot of thinking over the past few months. It's been up and down for me. While I am generally happy with who I am, I am human. Sometimes I have days where I just don't like anyone or anything. That's ok. I do try to turn on the positive thinking when these days happen.

I've spent time thinking back to my "struggle". Growing up, my family never made me feel weird or out of place for being fat. I think that is one of the biggest things I love about my mom. She never made me feel weird or different. I know that I am lucky to not have family pressure. But oh, oh the peer pressure! I think that started from the first day I stepped foot into a classroom. At 4 years old, in pre-school, I was the cutest fat ballerina my mama had ever seen. Ok, I was probably the only fat ballerina my mother did see, but she and my grandmothers loved me all the same. I remember one day before dance practice, I tried to hold hands with one of the cute boys that I often played chase with on the playground. He uttered the first anti fat phrase I ever heard "don't touch me, you're fat!". The thing was, at the time, I don't really think I was aware of fat was. It never came up before, I'd never heard it before. None of the other kids I played with said it. I new fat was a "shape". I was 4, how could I really tell the difference? Matt, my playground love, was totally aware of the differences. It was all ok though, because Noah wanted to hold my hand. And off into the sunset Noah and I went, leaving Matt confused as to why anyone would actually touch the fat girl. At 4, fat was apparently like cooties.

In kindergarten, I made plenty of friends. I was also the girl that talked to the weird kid. I don't know, guess it was the way I was raised. I remember being painfully aware of the divide within the students. You had kids that were super neat, in the nicest clothes, and would only keep to their select group. Its funny how I can look back and see these groups developing. I was friends with the kids that actually played during recess, not the girls who stood around in dresses. Maybe I was more of a tomboy, but I think it was more about my mom and my friends mothers being practical. None of us ran around in Gap dresses or hoodies, "you'll ruin it or grow out of in 2 months!" my mother would say. She refused to buy expensive name brand stuff because kids play. Kids grow. I mean, it makes sense. We lived in a working class area, and you could clearly tell who the working class kids where vs the kids with parents that had extra money. I was friends with the other fat kids, the tall kid, the kid that ate paste. All unique. Like me.

It took a few more years before I realized being fat was a "problem". At the end of third grade and into fourth grade, I hit puberty before everyone one else, grew a few inches, and suddenly had breasts. I was the hit of third and fourth grade, and the attention I got was, at the time, flattering. People paid more attention to me, the boys talked to me. What I didn't realize at the time was that they were not really interested in "me", I was the same person I always was. This is when I remember really feeling disconnected and that people where judging me solely based on my body. It was depressing at the time, and I remember gaining weight. I got fat again, and the attention wore down. In 6th grade, my mom had decided to clean up our diet because my father had high blood pressure, diabetes, and a ton of other problems. The idea wasn'y really to loose weight, and I specifically recall that fact when my mom started buying light and fat free stuff. More fresh fruits and veggies. It wasn't as if we ate so terribly before, but my mother is an excellent cook and made many homestyle meals. Moms food was, and is, always clean your plate good. In eating light foods and just being active, I lost a lot of weight. It was also the height of the bodysuit days, and I bought many of them. I remember making fun of the fat girls who wore them because, well, you shouldn’t wear those kinds of things when you are fat! I quickly realized that fat = bad, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to be. Fat was terrible, nobody liked the fat people. I went through eating issues over the next few years, starving myself, refusing to eat meat, binging. I thought that I was only worthy of love, fun, and excitement if I was thin. I had friends, the cute boys talked to me, life was just right! I wasn't in that popular crowd, but I felt like I had a lot going for me.

A few years later, I got fat again. I went through a rough time at home, dealt with some abuse issues, and really just hid myself. I was that fat girl again, and the boys didn't really want to talk to me anymore. Then I met a boy, my first love, who thought I was just perfect as I was. He liked my curves, he liked my personality, he like ME for who I was. I loved this boy with all my heart and then some. He broke my heart, twice, and I really let that damage me and my self worth. One of the nastiest things he said to me after leaving me for another girl was that his "standards" changed, he now liked girls that didn't weigh anymore than 110-120 pounds. Ouch. The new girlfriend was slim, and he made sure to show that off to me 2 months after we broke up. On Valentines Day. At my place of employment. 2 years to the day we lost our virginity to each other. Nice, huh?

I dated after that, had 1 meaningful relationship that didn't work out because I was damaged and crazy, and other short term and on night relationships that only temporarily made me feel better. Sex and being sexy was a powerful tool because it made me feel desirable and wanted. To have someone lust over me was a close equivalent to being liked, accepted. The funny part is, sleeping with a guy rarely made him my boyfriend. I spent a few years in this downward spiral, coupled with drinking, drugs, and a whole bunch of self destruction. Oh I was miserable. To myself, to everyone around me. I think the final straw came when I thought I was seeing an older guy, having fun, and meeting up for sex. The sex was terrible, but I like him as a person. Until I found out he had a girlfriend and kid that he would never leave. And didn't understand why I wasn't cool with it. How does it go? Always the bridesmaid and never the bride? Try always the sex buddy and never the girlfriend.

Throughout this whole time, I dieted. Off and on. I did Weight Watchers, Atkins, plain ol calorie counting. I went to the gym, I took diet pills. I plotted my successes and failures in endless spreadsheets and computer programs. I did it all. And whatever I lost, always came back, and then some. I constantly felt like a failure. About 2 years ago, I think I really hit rock bottom with my self hate and self medicating. I stopped doing drugs years ago. I cut down on the drinking. The only think left for me to really deal with was how much I hated myself.

Being fat wasn't the only think I hated. I hated a lot of things. I was angry. I was angry at my dad for knocking me around for so many years. I was angry at my ex-boyfriend because he said he would love and protect me. The boyfriend that made me feel god about myself. I hated ways I had treated people, I hated a lot of decisions I made. I hated where my life was, who I was. I pushed a lot of people away, and I really felt alone. Then I met someone online. He made me feel so positive, that some of my feelings and ideas on how life should be were not crazy. I wasn't crazy. I think my online escapes with him allowed me to feel empowered to pick myself up and move on. Today, I really consider him one of my closest friends and my soul mate. Even though we have never met, he really inspired me. He still does. He listens when I need to vent, and I think we all need that. Reassurance that we are not crazy.

Over the course of my fat acceptance path, I've dealt with a lot of old wounds and feelings. I've had to face the fact that there are people out there with a low or bad perception of me because I made bad choices and decisions. And while apologies don't always make up for it, I have tried to extend apologies to some people. It really hasn't gotten me anywhere, but I think its allowed me to move on and not dwell on some of the stupid shit I've done. I've really had to let those feelings go, and it was hard. There is no magical way to explain how to do it, but I had to decided that I could either live in the now and tomorrow, or live in the past with all the mistakes I have made. Dwell on them, and beat myself up over and over. Slowly, I was able to live in the now, and look towards the future without getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about some bad decision I made 5 years ago. That's my first rule. Live in the now and tomorrow.

I think an important part of fat acceptance is really understanding what fat acceptance is. Its personal, its not the same way for everyone. It isn't just about being fat, its wanting to be treated equally and fairly. Its about not wanting to be judged on being fat. Its about being treated kindly because we are another human being. It means being free of assumptions and half truths. It means being judged less and loved more.

One of the most positive things I've ever done for myself is to read up on fat acceptance or how fat affects people. Reading the words from people like like Kate Harding, Joy Nash, Sandy Szwarc from Junk Food Science, Marilyn Wann, Kelly Bliss, and many others, have shown me the light. The problem isn't me, its everyone else who thinks there is something wrong with me.

There is no magical cure or way to accept yourself. I can tell you, for me, it was hard, and it took me almost 2 years to stand up and say Yea? I’m fat! What about it?

Life has been much better since.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Self hate-STOP IT!

Making degrading remarks about yourself because of low self esteem does not relieve you of responsibility. It's probably offensive to someone else. Because it is offensive to someone else, standing behind your right to view you as you see fit means you are still spreading hate. Not just self hate, but the entire idea that whatever you called yourself is wrong. If what and who you are is wrong, isn't everyone else who embodies the same qualities wrong?

If you are fat, and you call yourself a cow, whale, disgusting, gross, etc, you are also saying it about other fat people. You further the idea that there is something wrong with fat. When you view yourself as a problem, suddenly everyone else in the group becomes the problem. The sad part is, the problem is yours and you don't want to own it.

The solution is simple. Stop thinking of yourself in negative and degrading ways. You are your own worst enemy and the first person that can stop negative thinking from spreading.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Treat others how you want to be treated.

My mother always taught me to treat people how I would want to be treated.

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The word is Toccara from ANTM is getting skinny. Once a proud size 12, she went on to appear in Celebrity Fit Club for 2 seasons. The first season (2005) she started at 205 pounds, lost 32 pounds, leaving her at 173 pounds. In her second season (2008) she started at, 187 pounds lost 21 pounds, leaving her at 166 pounds. The buzz is she is keeping it off and perhaps even loosing more.

As a fat girl, I find there are few people to look up to. There are few fat people out there represent us, mainly because there is still the idea of fat = bad and nobody actually wants to see fat people doing things other than loosing weight. We've been trained to look to slim people. Being a model and still being plus size feels like such a win in my book. Someone like that is out there fighting everyday to prove its not about being thin.

I can't say I know or understand her reasoning behind loosing weight. I don't know if she wants to get more work or if she is unhappy with herself. I don't know if she is giving into pressure or has come up against medical problems. Its easy to assume we know why she is skinny because thats what we are taught to do. Judge and pick apart celebs for whatever they do.

As a fat girl, I don't want to be judge simply because I am fat. Its happened to me, and I know it happens to fat people all the time. People have preconceived notions of what matters to a fat person, what we do, what we don't do, and that we should all be striving to be skinnier. I don't want people to look at me and say "she would be so pretty if she lost weight". I know people say it, but I don't want it to be that way. I will never accept that train of thought. I do think its inevitable as a model to come up against that thinking, and I always thought it was commendable that she said she was comfortable who she was. If she is or even if she isn't, my opinion will not change. I don't want to be judged, so I am not going to judge her. I don't have the facts, I dont have a clue why she does what she does. I do know its her body and she can do as she pleases. I expect that respect from people, so it's only fair that I extend the same. Maybe she has given into pressure or maybe she hasn't. It's all speculation.

Treat others how you want to be treated.

Friday, June 27, 2008

She should NOT be wearing that!

I admit, I get amused when someone says “She should NOT be wearing that!” In my experience, it’s a thin or fat loathing person saying this about someone who clearly is not thin. It makes me wonder, why are fat people expected to “cover up?” Or try and conceal the fact that they are fat. I mean, no amount of fabric will ever change the fact that I am fat. Different cuts and styles will either flatter or not flatter my fat, but its still there. The fat is not going anywhere. You can take the most expensive fabric or the most obnoxious color, its still not hiding anything. It seems so absurd to me that someone can hate fat so much, they think we need to cover up on the beach or cover our legs. I have some big ol hammy thighs and I’ll wear a short skirt or dress if I want. I’m not going to stop wearing things I like to wear because your precious eyes may burn. I’ll wear whatever bathing suit I want on whatever beach I want. If your eyes hurt because of it, too damn bad. I won’t feel bad for being fat. I wont sweat and become uncomfortable just so you can walk around the world a little bit more comfortable. I wont wear a tshirt at the beach just so you wont see my belly in spandex. If a fabric outlines my fat in anyway, I cant wear it? I can only wear baggy clothes, oversized shirts, or tents, just so people won’t be offended that I have jiggly fat on my body? Nope, not feeling sorry for you having to look at me one damn bit. I don’t feel sorry that you are shallow and honestly expect that fat people can’t enjoy the beach or hell, life in general.

What I do feel sorry for is that narrow minded people like you exist. I feel sorry for your sad existence, your need to push your insecurities on others, and your complete and utter failure to treat another human being with any shred of respect or dignity.

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